I could make up a thousand excuses, and tell you about the posts I have composed but haven’t posted but I won’t. I have been struggling, with my perception of self. Coming to terms that all the things I could do, play an instrument, draw, paint and even pray are starting to atrophy before my very eyes. I have been a bystander to my own life.
So for once, I won’t talk about societal norms that piss me off ( you will hear about them later), I’m going to talk about me. Yesterday I was talking to a friend; I started being honest with myself. Complaining about how bored I am for months and have made less than feeble attempts to do anything. My exact words were “I have become a waste of space” I’ve become so lazy and complacent and the queen of procrastination and as the year slowly slips away I am forced analyze what I want with life. My life.
At this moment, I am watching Beyonce’s Life But a Dream for the second time. At a point, she talks about taking her independence and “reshaping your perspective of yourself.” I have to do that. I am going to be nineteen years old soon, not on track with the plans of my life. And although I have to understand that God’s timing isn’t my timing, I show no effort. My life seems to flash by with little to no input from me.
Well it did, I decided a week ago to be present in my life. That sounds crazy weird. And in one week, I have realized it is easier to destroy than it is to build. I remember when I hit my lowest and how hard it was to get out of my depression to this point. I realize how hard it is going to be. Thank God I am innately stubborn, I refuse to stop. And because I am innately stubborn, I am independent and very silent about my life. Silence has almost killed me. Not only am I making an effort not to sink, I have to learn how to talk. Which means calling my mom, losing my shit in group chats, speaking gibberish with my baby cousin (it is amazingly therapeutic) and being able to be vulnerable when it matters. From those conversations, I find strength. I find that I spend less time just floating through time and space. I am alive.
If anyone else is going through it as well, don’t give up. You have come too far from where you started. And take the time to talk to somebody. Hell, talk to me I’ll listen.
I wish I had all the answers, and I wish this were coherent, but this is how I feel, and what I’m going through. Honest, my hand to God.
Till the next rant, tons of kisses